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66 Ways To Order A Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
6. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
7. Answer their questions with questions.
8. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
13. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
14. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
17. Rent a pizza.
18. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
19. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
20. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
21. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
22. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Imitate the order taker's voice.
25. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
26. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
27. Ask to see a menu.
28. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
29. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
30. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
31. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
32. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
33. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
34. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
35. Try to talk while drinking something.
36. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
37. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
38. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
39. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
40. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
41. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
42. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
43. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
44. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
45. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
46. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
47. Put them on hold.
48. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
49. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
50. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
51. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
52. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
53. Order a one-inch pizza.
54. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
55. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
56. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
58. Engage in some serious swapping.
59. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
60. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
61. If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
62. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
63. Order a steamed pizza.
64. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
65. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
66. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

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